Astrocenter Report – Part 12

[Hmm. if you thought I had forgotten about this report, you are sorely mistaken, hohoho..]

YOGA is trying to integrate himself. This purpose in life sometimes makes him aware of the futility of some of his behavior. Something drives him to wish to change his lifestyle. However, he tarries, feeling as though the time is not yet ripe for change. Angered by his inner contradictions, he is sometimes peremptory, uncompromising, and imperious with other people. At other times, he feels empty. But he will learn that the less he hides about himself, the happier he will be. In terms of his emotional relationships, YOGA is open to life and love, although he remains aware that relationships are sometimes subject to unseen influences. As a result, his approach to love is sometimes more psychological than emotional, and he may sometimes feel somewhat misunderstood. A certain anxiety compels him to look for the meaning of things, which necessitates emotional detachment. But his detachment hides a complex and extremely sensitive inner nature.

Although YOGA sometimes seems aloof from contact with others and reveals little of his inner world, it is due to a need for protection. Nevertheless, he can be fairly manipulative and he enjoys wielding power over others. He often makes his life far more complicated than need be, and love relationships are his weak point, because the prospect of abandoning himself frightens him sometimes. Thus, in a love relationship, he controls as much as he is controlled. Generally speaking, his uncompromising opinions and his "all or nothing" policy can create some difficulties for him, when it comes to falling in love, or finding the perfect match. Fortunately, YOGA is quite amenable to solitude, and will be able to bide his time patiently until his soul mate appears. He should not forget that love is one of the major means of self-transformation, and that if he manages to shed his unreasonable fear of abandoning himself, he will progress more quickly. His need for control may come from an unconscious anxiety about death.

[I’m not sure the form of my anxiety over death, perhaps it goes back to a more fundamental concern of finding my purpose in life. Hence, the anxiety of death without knowing my purpose in life. As I try to figure that out, my inner world brings about contradictions between myself and my attempt to understand life’s purpose.

I have unexplainable inner contradictions, although I’m unsure if that is the cause of my complicated life or my creation to hide my “extremely sensitive inner nature.”

Maybe that makes me seem aloof from outside contacts, and I do keep a large part of my inner world to myself. Perhaps, it is a protection from the prospect of abandoning myself. Strange, huh? Well, not really. I am quite a self-conscious person, and I have this perception that I would be abandoned if I shared more of my inner world with others. I have tried to share them, and indeed, it freed some of my anxiety and, in turn, made me happier. But, that perception is still there and probably not so easily dismissed.

I am okay being in solitude, and so far have managed to ward off that feeling of wanting to fall in love until recently. As my match came unexpectedly, the barriers fell gradually, and the layers were shed piece by piece. Is this a reminder that love is one of the essential means to self-transform? At this time, I began to feel more religious and spiritual. Maybe it is because of Ramadan, or perhaps it is that process of self-transformation at work.]